once upon a Sunday

I knocked on Andre’s door at 11.30 that morning, armed with a cup of coffee, my peace offering for waking him so early on a Sunday. It was 1988. He was 23. Usually on Sundays Andre would sleep until 12.30 or even 1. When he woke he would stumble into the kitchen where the rest of the family was having lunch, pour himself a plate of cereal, eat it hastily and then declare he was ready for lunch.

On this particular Sunday I wanted to use the computer in his room (the only one in the house at the time) to work on “Goldilocks and the 3 Bears”, the 5th in a series of fairytales with songs I was recording. Roused by the smell of coffee and the familiar jingle of the computer starting up, he forced open one eye muttering disparagingly about people who wake up other people at the crack of dawn on weekends. Undeterred by his protests which were growing wackier and funnier with each slurp of coffee, I sat down and started to type.

“Hey Andre, what’s another way of saying ….?”And “Will a child understand this phrase?” I asked, not expecting any coherent answers but keen to hear what grammatical gems he would come up with. And gems they were! As his suggestions became more and more outrageous, I became more and more hysterical and wasn’t making much progress with Goldilocks. Andre was sitting on the edge of the bed by this time, holding his cup with both hands, a wicked smile on his still sleepy face and mischief in his eyes - sure signs that some weird magic was brewing in that brilliant mind of his. And I was not disappointed.

“The trouble is, Ma, you’re just not taking this seriously!” he told me. “Okay, you want to know how to write a children’s story? Uncle Andre will show you how. Now… stop laughing and start typing. ” Words began to tumble out of his mouth, slowly and measured at first, and then they spilled out taking on a new rhythm, a new vitality, a new exaggerated South African accent. I opened a new document and typed as fast as my fingers could go as Andre dictated 5 pages (hardly stopping to think, it seemed) as if he were making a police report on the events that took place the day Goldifrocks, as he called her, met the 3 bears. About an hour later I typed “the end”.

In the kitchen, Les, Kevin and Gary were eating bagels and smoked salmon, our usual Sunday lunch. Andre hurriedly devoured a plate of cereal and then sat down to lunch, as if it were just like any other Sunday.

Extract from GOLDIFROCKS AND THE 3 BEARS

retold (with an exaggerated South African accent) by Andre Joffe

A family of bears lived in their own little house deep in the woods. The house was made of trees which they cut down themselves. And all the furniture in it was also made from trees. Often they would go for walks in the forest to look at houses of other bears and compare how good theirs was. On one such particular day when they was out comparing houses, it came to pass that Goldifrocks was walking along nearby this area. Suddenly from between the trees she noticed a particularly beautiful flower staring at her from across the way. “How beautiful it is!” she thought to herself quietly and she proceeded to walk across the way towards that particular flower when suddenly she got lost.

It was midday. The sun was way above her at the tops of the trees. She could see it peeking through at her as if it was trying to help her but couldn’t. Then she looked down and was surprised to notice that not far from her personal location there was a particularly bright area amongst the scary darkness of the trees. “I wonder what that could be!” she exclaimed simultaneously increasing her walking speed. As she neared this bright spot she realized, to her happiness, that it was, in fact, a clearing in the forest where the sun was shining through and in the middle of the clearing was a house obviously built by bears. She walked cautiously towards the house not knowing if it was still populated by bears – in which case it would be very dangerous to enter because sometimes they can bite you - or if perhaps the bears had gone out, for instance to compare their house to other bears’ houses (bears are very house-proud animals). When she reached the front door she decided to knock, which she proceeded to do.

later ....

After climbing upon the smallest chair and finding it to be particularly suited to her size, she found, to her happiness, that the temperature of this porridge was suitable to her taste. “How happy I am,” she thought, “that this porridge is suitable to my taste.” As a direct consequence, she ate the entire contents of that porridge bowl following which she contentedly placed the spoon down and looked around. Suddenly she noticed stairs leading to the upstairs of the house. She decided to explore and hoped that during this process she would come across some beds. This she hoped for the following reason: she was tired.

and later ......

How happy she was when she came across the 3rd bed, which we know by the fact that, at that point, she stated with a smile: “How happy I, Goldifrocks, am!” Without further hesitation she jumped on to the above-mentioned bed and found, to her happiness, that this mattress was indeed of the appropriate softness to her needs. She proceeded to sink into a deep and restful sleep.

It was at this point in time that the bears finally returned from their long trek through the forest, whose purpose it seems, was to allow the porridge to acquire a temperature which would satisfy the tastes of all 3 bears. In other words they had left the porridge to cool down. Now they returned expecting to find all as they had left it. Little did they realize at that point the strange sequence of events which would follow.

Firstly, the bears ran to their respective chairs on which they sat respectively expecting to be able to appease their respective hungers. However, they were each surprised to find their spoons dirty. Moreover the smallest bear was even more surprised to find, in his plate, a lack of porridge.

much later ......

The bear of smallest size then pointed out that his predicament was by far the most serious one in that, not only had his chair been sat in (which, like the others, he had deduced from the warmth emanating from his chair) and his porridge tasted, but the tasting had gone on to an extreme resulting in a lack of porridge. He thus stated: “Someone has been sitting in my chair and has eaten all my porridge up!”

Finding this situation quite suspicious, and noticing a faint aroma of person in the room, the bears got off their respective chairs and proceeded to climb the stairs in order to be upstairs. This accomplished, they were able to check their respective rooms for the presence of the aforementioned aromatic person.

much later still ....

However, it cannot be said that that a similar situation was found to exist in the room of the bear of smaller stature, for the following reason: the situation was completely different. Actually this is not altogether true – there were some similarities. Firstly the aroma of person was also present, and secondly the crumples on the bed were also evident. However, exactly here is where all the similarities come to a complete and abrupt end. For the person to whom the aroma belonged, and for whom the search was in progress, was on the bed.

almost home ....

Suddenly it came to pass that she realized, to her happiness, that she was now very close to her house and just in time for dinner. It would be totally wrong and also silly to suggest at this point that she was not happy to be home. This was substantiated by her exclamation of the following words: “How happy I am to be home!”

The end

Some years later, Andre read his version of this well-loved story. He was in stitches! He told us he had no idea he was so funny.